Thoughts and Triggers.
a combo of your own work with others.
Lately I have been noticing more and more people attempting ideas. Not sure if it is my current lifestyle or the universe bringing closer the people who seem to be approaching the world in a similar way (I do tend to spend long stretches of time working in random public places so that probably contributes to meeting and overhearing projects being discussed). But something about these days has been calling out more of my insecurities, within the scope of my consciousness, instead of looking at them as data points for me to consider.
Please note that this is me attempting to create some distance between what I am talking about and myself. Objectively, the better way I see myself doing that is by having the language I use be outside the personal, maybe even a bit pretentious. Ps: I now understand how some scientific journals and books were written. An impersonal approach towards a subject from the angle of documentation instead of explanation. Nevertheless, this is a tale of “When”, “Where” and “How”. One about understanding “Why”,“For what” and “For whom”.
Long long ago, I wrote somewhere within my notes about how “we don’t think” but the best we can do is “process our thoughts”. The reasoning behind it is that “I” is the intention behind my existence so thoughts are environmentally triggered through the context of my perspective and all “I” can do is choose and pick the ones relevant and the ones that contribute to my view of the world. My teacher explained once that our self deeply holds the seed of consciousness. A piece of us that extends to the entire universe, where everything is just connected. It also means that nothing is in one place, that the ideas that we have are lingering somewhere within the realm of consciousness. This means that our experience with thought is an extension of the personalised experience with the ideas that have been triggered from the context around us: environment, people, time, place… But as much as I saw his words to be true, I never felt them.
These days, the world seems to collect and throw out the triggers of the things that matter to me. Not sure if that is what people call obsession or passion. Back then, I used to be obsessed with my idea and the changes that will come out of it in this world, whereas now I see myself obsessing about the process itself and bringing it to life. Though my mind and body are not yet in synchrony regarding feelings and considerations, my aptitude to handle things is moving more in a direction I am proud of. A direction that sees the forest in the single tree.
On one hand, my mind to these triggers has traveled a distance from responding to myself with
“ You are failing ” or “You’re going to miss the opportunity ” whenever my ear picks up someone talking about an idea around me or with me.
Over the years, this evolved into “If only they can see the truth behind what I am working on”.
Even at times “how could they steal my idea” (based on a true story of someone who after a conversation with them about my work, started something within the lines of my approach) ,
Now it seems that some empathy is developing towards what others are doing so now I would look with interest on their markets to see how they are exposed, their perspectives and approach. It’s opened a way for analysis of their market and customers, just like a third party assessment towards what they are working on in their own “startupy” world, a personalised approach to gaining experience without having to go through the hassle myself.
See my mind has started looking more at these events as mini traumas and evolved into considering them as cornerstones of startups, which I strongly feel to be Failures. Startups don’t find the right path and move straight on it, but find every possible wrong path and avoid it in order to end up with their vision. Every time my mind is triggered, I take a chance to have a discussion regarding some side of my approach, if it is lacking anything, if I can do better or if there is more to be set under trial.
ps: I still feel I’m being slow but honestly, the way I look at things now is
“The pace that allows for the feet to stick firmly into the ground is never a fast one.”
But the subject is the “Trigger” itself. As for now my mind is the only thing that I am able to communicate with. Or at least there is still an abstraction that I am using, which is language itself, to communicate. But when these” mini traumatic triggers” happen, my body shivers with a flow of emotion from my stomach to my extremities. As if telling me there is a danger to run from or perceive.
I never in my life saw conversations as dangerous, especially ones about a “coupon app” or a “menu Qrcode website”. But over the years, with experience from enough cultures and people, I realized that words are the design structures we use for our reality. It, more and more, seems that something about my involvement with this project has brought more of a depth in understanding and articulation towards the words that I have been using. Be it the promises I made towards the people that supported me, or the promise I gave myself on behalf of the people that will use it, explore with it, build and grow with it…
So I say to myself, when the trigger kicks in:
There has to be some sacrifice behind the time I have been spending ( whether in focus or frustration).
There has to be some strength behind the effort I have been attempting and
There has to be some creativity behind the concepts I have been engaging with.
Yet my body throws a fit at the sound of words coming out of others, words not even concerning me, my presence or my work. Just the fact that people are trying things in this massive world is enough to initiate a “Trigger sequence” within me.
But to me all of this doesn’t feel like work, and even when I mention it, my body calls out my mind to describe the tension and calls for it to adjust. Given the nature of startups, there is no way to tell (answer) “how am I doing?”. Am I doing good? Bad??? Am I moving in the right direction? Is this feedback relevant?... and many more questions derived from “how can I do better to succeed? ”. A question like that can only be measured by success, but when you ask any of the successful or at least famous startup entrepreneurs, they collectively average an answer like: “ we are not there yet to know” . Is it a humble response, or their vision has not yet been actualised? Which helped me shift my perspective from what are they doing to how are they doing it. The more I pondered these questions, the more relevant the “Why am I nitpicking?”. Nitpicking on the attempts which I use to approach my work’s vision itself..
Lately I have noticed “How” I am seeing myself closer and more understanding of “Why” I’m doing it. The “Why” I am doing this, “Why” fear of the mundane has removed me from the environments which I once found safe. The environment I once saw as a sanctuary from the storm. The “Why” that has been sinking deeper and deeper into me, seems to draw a picture of a future where failure exists more than success does, even when that is only the triggers doing the talking.
It seems that understanding wider details about my work has begun to reveal patterns that were once structured and built upon. Patterns that my mind no longer brings to the forefront of my consciousness and ones that my body has had a strong bond with for centuries. Where the echoes of past failures that have been stuck are being shown, and if my current view is correct, the patterns that brought the past failures, are in the current stages, being shown the way out. Surely, the only way out from within is through the body and the mind.
See for something to let go of the self, the essence of your current existence, means that it no longer is being nourished by you, your actions and your behaviors. This should be a celebration, one where you express pride in the improvement and steps made. But these moments of growth, often are the moments that leave us the most vulnerable. Whatever is no longer welcome to your precious energy, attention and resources will definitely cause a scene on its way out. Maybe leave you with a disgruntled parting gift. If wounds leave scars as proof of their existence, and tensions leave sensitive feelings in our joints, tendons and muscles. Then what is left when old patterns are released? When beliefs are let go? And when behaviors evolve to fulfill the new views of this world?
When this happens, the whole world changes. Your mind might take a bit of time to dissect the structures of the triggers, for some of them have existed throughout your life, but when the base of their formation is unlocked, the body releases the pent up emotions almost instantly, all that is left for us to do is not resist. When your body is communicating in a way that feels like anxiety, then the trigger itself is acknowledged. Unless the trigger is reasoned with, the energy released will have no place to leave from and will stick around. But when the energy shows up as per the old patterns without a valid trigger, then that is a realization of change. It is when your self would have released it on instinct to make space for something new. Something that is trusted to be the new truth, to be real and that serves your current presence,
Throughout this whole process, all I see myself being able to contribute is my attention. There is no measuring in days or in approaches where I have been persistent in my consistency. But even the most random of waves and activities eventually reveal a pattern. After all years of attempting to change, I am noticing change comes when we are not attempting at all. When we let go of biases we didn’t even know existed, when we connect to our feelings through honest and transparent communication with ourselves. When we allow the world to show us everything about our own selves while exposing its shared environment to our reality. All we have is a conscious approach to our own attention and intention. As we master this one skill, we derive the structures of the universe through it.
I feel this is what is referred to as “Living the dream” since the changes that are expressing themselves through me have been nothing but magic cast upon this perception of the world, and the perspective of Tarek himself.